One Foot in the Gravy

(a modern pantomime in three acts)

by Mary Druce

The pantomime includes all the traditional elements:  hissing and booing, plenty of conversation with the audience, easy singalong songs to familiar tunes,  comic cooking routines, sweet giveaways, and happy ever after. Scope is given for topical insertions and mention of  local football teams etc.   The modern touch has been achieved by the introduction of Bonnie, the Internet Genie and a GI-type chanting march performed by the goblins.  The author has taken familiar aspects of several different children's tales to weave her plot - Snow White, Cinderella, Jack and the Beanstalk, Simple Simon, Aladdin. 

One foot in the gravy is the story of a turkey destined for the Christmas table, who manages, by fair means or 'fowl',  to beat the system.

The vain Helen Damnation, the wicked guardian of Rose Pink, uses Rose as a drudge. Rose's only friend is Stan, the turkey.  When Stan is kidnapped by two ne'er-do-wells, she is distraught.  Three well-meaning but rather stupid goblins befriend her and take her to live with them in Dingly Dell and promise to try to find Stan.    Helen, though possessing magic powers, cannot come to grips with modern technology and has to use the services of the Internet Genie, Bonnie.  Bonnie reveals that Rose has been voted a hundred times more beautiful than Helen. So Helen, in a rage, vows that Rose will never set foot in her house again.

The two villains, Dan Druff and Vinnie Verruca, realising that Stan needs fattening up and is refusing to eat anything they offer him, decide to try and sell him in the market.  But the villagers are not interested.  Helen meanwhile has discovered Stan's whereabouts with the aid of Bonnie the Internet Genie, and despatched her cook, Tilly Tupperware (a pantomime dame), to the market to find him.  Tilly barters some of her home baking with Dan and Vinnie, and brings Stan back.

Gormless, one of the three goblins, while out for a walk looks in at the window and discovers Stan.  He bungles a rescue attempt, and he too is captured by Helen to use as a houseboy.  Rose and the other two goblins set out to look for Stan and Gormless, and discover them both.  Rose enlists Tilly's help in freeing her friends.  Tilly, however, has first to take a basket of food to her nephew Simon, a student.  Rose offers to run the errand for her.  She finds Simon arguing with a Pieman.  She and Simon fall in love, and Simon spearheads a grand rescue plan with the help of Dan, Vinnie, and the Pieman.  They burst into Helen's house, and Gormless, quite unwittingly, breaks the spell, making Helen lose all her magic powers.  Simon asks Rose to marry him, the Pieman proposes to Tilly, and Stan, free from the threat of the Paxo bag, is invited to live happily ever after with Rose and Simon. 

As they all celebrate the nuptials there is a knock at the door.  Amid a flurry of snow there stands Father Christmas.  They had all forgotten it was Christmas Day!