I got thinking on my way back from a rehersal this evening about things I do that basically say "I am crew". So, you know you're amdram crew when...

You can go for an entire week without wearing the same black t-shirt twice
You pick your nose and what comes out is black
You know the lines better than the actual actors do
You mention 'hanging the blacks', and can't figure out why people are giving you funny looks
You have an opinion on the correct spelling of gaffa / gaffer tape
You make less noise wandering around backstage in a pair of size 11 boots than an eight stone dancer does in bare feet
You've got so used to the abbreviation, that you have to think hard about the correct way to spell 'que' 'queue' 'cue'
You think nothing of doing a full day's paid work, then spending another six hours building a set
You can't leave the house for at least three weeks after a production because you're trying to make amends with your significant other
You can't remember a time when you didn't have the back seats folded down in your car
You can hold a conversation whilst holding a torch in your mouth
You've experimented with ways of making smoke when the budget won't stretch to a smoke machine

Anyone got anything to add?

...you've shifted more furniture than pickfords...

You've been part of the set throughout a scene because the props and weights didn't arrive before the lights!

You manage to lose chainmail and you put alot of effort into varnishing a loaf of bread....

You don't believe in Set Fairies who can magic up a set in no time at all.
You no longer need newspaper on the floor to catch the drips when you paint.
You are not only familiar with technical terms, you know the derivation of some of them.

Your conservatory is taken over for three months by human sized papier mache eggs.
Your internet purchases include 110 zips, thousands of buttons, a beach ball, wooden barrel, fluorescent fishnet tights and a rubber flying helmet.
When you go to B&Q you never buy anything for the purpose it was intended - floor tiles?, no I want to cover gravestones, drainpipe? no, stems for 2m high bulrushes.
Most of the contents of your house have appeared on stage.
You mentally write a risk assessment when doing DIY at home.
No forget that last one, there's never any time to do DIY at home.

No matter what size car you get, you can never get all the props in.
Your neighbours no longer give you funny looks when you walk down the street with axes, swords, guns, the leg half of a tailor's dummy, dragon's heads, etc...




I think most of the contents of my house started on stage!

What? You as well?

Those look wonderful.

Even when not required

You can't go to a concert, a show, or even church without evaluating the sound board operation.
You spend more time at a concert, show, or other event watching the color scrollers instead of the people on stage.
You give directions to the professional contractors (builders) who can't find something at the local hardware store.

When you believe the world & everything, can be fixed with Gaffer tape!

Now that's silly. Every wardrobe mistress knows you fix everything with safety pins!

I bow to your empirical knowledge
As ?Attirers? were the first lighting technicians in theatre!

... when you are more interested in the dark bits of the show than the light bits

Of course, it's not just a case of being able to fix everything of gaffer tape- it is actually the basic element from which the universe is created. Safety pins may be good for some jobs, but at an atomic level, they are constructed of gaffer tape. And if you don't believe me, ask Stephen Hawking- not only does he know about these things, gaffer tape is the only thing holding him together- have a look at his wheelchair!

and tie wraps - just where would we be without those

You go to a professional show and Know how all the fancy lighitg changes are done and can spot the programming errors

You turn up for the aftershow party and it's winding down - or in the case of my last show someone pops into the theatre at 4:30 am to bring the remaing crew the leftover food from the now finished party - that was apparently good fun

You know that not being mentioned in a vote of thanks is actually the biggest compliment you can be paid!



been there (4.30am), done that (why oh why?), got the t-shirt (still smells sweaty)
My Get out was "Barnum".. that is a heavy heavy show. Anyone been any later than that?

I did Sherlock Holmes from Pioneer Drama. We built a two-story set. The curtain came down at 10:00 p.m., and we didn't finish until 8:00 a.m., when the organist and pianist showed up for sound check the next morning (the play was held in a church sanctuary).

...when you spend more time decorating the stage sets than your own home!

When you have to explain to the stationers that the vast quantities of tippex that you are buying is not for sniffing but to place marks on the revolve / stage for scene positions.

You know you're crew when you shout 'hey, look over there, I think something unsafe is happening!', to your group's safety officer, just before doing something incredibly unsafe yourself

...anyone who thought they saw me this evening, lifting the ladder I was standing on away from a lighting bar with one hand whilst freeing a trapped cable with the other is clearly imagining things.

For the record, it is tippex thinner that gives you the high. Tippex will just give you a white nose!

Is that the voice of experience Simon?

I knew I had a double!

And you have lived a long time so it must be okay

Perfectly safe ............... as long as you hang on tight!

And ladders can take on many forms other than your common or garden runged type

Hmmm yes. The dodgiest I ever saw was a rickety old wooden stepladder with one broken cord, balanced on two 'stage boxes' that were in turn on the top of two different access towers on a raked floor! They hadn't even strapped the two towers together.

Actually I was stunned to see a ladder that I condemmed years ago still on the wall in the store! I always use my own so I guess we never got as far as needing to use them otherwise I would have realised they were still about. I think a saw is needed! Old wood extender with dodgy clips keeping the second section in place!

You know you are crew when you stand on the top of a ladder and realise that, 25 feet up, the ladder base is seperating as the top is broken. Oh yes, and there is nobody footing it. So, what do you do?

Hang the light quick, exit ladder stage left.

I have had to work on some shoddy erections in my time.

Mrs Simon has the same complaint.

*steadfastly refrains from commenting*


there is a very well known SM at pantheon who is well known for driving round glasgow with his erection up during showtime . . . . .

You know you're crew when you find yourself at a party, get talking to the director of one of next season's shows, and end up sketching a plan for the lighting rig on a napkin (using the sharpie from your belt kit).

This actually happened this evening. Someone kill me now.

You are on a conference in a 5 star hotel and you arrange to meet a taxi driver in the lobby to pick up the ancient and rusting typewriter you bought off him on ebay! Puzzled looks from hordes of Japanese tourists all taking photographs of each other.

Oh yesssss! and at least one room or the garage is full of paint and decorating/ special effects equipment you'll NEVER use in your own house!!

When your favourite joke of all time is 'Gaffer tape is like the force, it has a dark side, a light side and it holds the universe together'

Appologies if this is already on here.

Resurrecting an old post, but I went to see Zorro last saturday, and did enjoy it, but caught myself:

1 Wondering how they got that much fullness in the gypsy skirts without making them bulky on the waist. and

2 Doing mental risk assessments for the flying, climbing up and down near vertical ladders, guitar strumming on high platforms as well as all the bits that catch fire.

(these are meant tongue-in-cheek, so no offence intended - I'm sure everyone knows SOMEONE who fits each of these examples!)

You have no apparent knowledge of deodorant
You do nothing at all for the 6 months leading up to the show, while everyone is rehearsing, then expect everyone to feel sorry for you because you've had a couple of late nights
You get over-excited at the thought of seeing down the leading lady's cleavage from the flys
You have a bunch of keys hanging from your belt that would shame a gaoler in a costume drama
You deliberately get in the way of actors during the dress rehearsal because it makes you feel important
Your first answer when the producer asks for anything unusual is always,"no", even if you actually COULD do it easily!
(sound only) You get to the theatre early so you can play one of your own (disallowed word) CD's at full volume through the theatre's 1 million watt sound system!
...

Oi! Are you pointing the finger at me?

Guilty to 3 & 8 only

I did it again this weekend! Went to see Graham Norton in La Cage Aux Folles and kept trying to work out just how strong the set pieces needed to be when tall transvestites did strange things in even stranger positions on them. Great Show!

You know you're crew when...

at this very moment you could find / or even see a tape measure, safety pins and two sorts of screwdriver

You go nowhere - rehearsal, church, shopping, dinner-dance - without an emergency kit of at least a penknife and a torch

you check the props and set before curtain up EVEN when you're acting rather than being crew...

when someone suggests a show to do, you don't think about to artistic merit, casting possibilities or what your audience will think, you straight away think "Ooo, titanic, I'll need an iceburg..."


And you know you're a child of crew when you're at an event, turn around to see where mother got to and she's there helping a mayor / bigwig with her mayoral chain - THRICE people, THRICE!

You know you're crew when it's midnight everyone else is at a party , you're cold. tired the last out of the theatre. You still think you're having a good time and will be back for more in a few weeks.

Or you're at the party and decide to do a stint behind the bar out of the goodness of your heart, which naturally makes you invisible except when people want a drink...

You get excited when you see anything in the colour scheme you are planning - in this case, red white and blue (but how cars in a car park were going to come in useful, I have no idea!)