The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed doing at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.


The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.


The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.

I don't know why I'm laughing so much - it's pretty much the result that I'd get if I made similar demands

So True!

Quite right too!

Todays little ditty....


FEMALE AMATEUR AUDITION CHECKLIST

Find suitable group

Join Committee (preferably as Chairman)

?Suggest/insist? future show in which there is suitable role to play

Appoint Director/MD/casting panel of friends and/or relations (if Director/MD unknown, become acquainted with them)

Purchase CD of show soundtrack off EBay/Amazon and perusal script from rights-holders

Search internet for information on role wanted

Download midi files of audition pieces and practice ?singing along? to them

Attend read-though dressed for the part

Learn audition piece/s off by heart

Attend audition over-dressed for the part

Audition

Wait nervously by the ?phone the next day for call back

Email others who auditioned to see if they?ve heard anything

Receive rejection by email/letter/voicemail for part

Email Director/MD/casting panel asking for reason for refusal. Quote other similar parts played in the past and reviews

Query again with all Committee reason for refusal

Drink bottle of wine

Telephone Director/Chairman/casting committee member and rant about reasons not suitable for part (preferably swearing and hanging up at end for effect)

Fall out with casting committee

Resign from Committee

Write to Committee (preferably by email, blind copying in any ?interested parties?), stating auditions were a shambles and that panel were useless

When final cast list available, ?rubbish? everyone on the list and query standard of final show with all and sundry

By email
By telephone
By personal contact at shows

Find suitable group. If none left, start splinter group

Fantastic!

Which reminds me, I really must join a smaller group ...

It's very scarey.....

I know at least 1 young lady/person round our way who does this....

Sounds awfully familiar.

Glad us chaps aren't like that (Club Chairman - married to Club's main director )

Men strike back! ! ! ! ! !

> How many men does it take to open a beer?
> None. It should be opened when she brings it.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
> Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
> never be able to support you.
> --------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why do women have smaller feet than men?
> It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
> them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
> When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me."
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> How do you fix a woman's watch?
> You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why do men fart more than women?
> Because women can't shut up long enough to
> build up the required pressure.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
> the front door, who do you let in first?
> The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
> A woman who won't do what she's told
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
> a woman's sex drive by 90%.
> It's called a Wedding Cake.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Why do men die before their wives?
> They want to.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> Women will never be equal to men until they can
> walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
> gut, and still think they are sexy.
> -------------------------------------------------------------------
> In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
> Then God created Man and rested.
> Then God created Woman.
> Since then, neither God nor Man has rested. Boy ain't this the truth!
> -------------------------------------------------------------------

That's more like it!

Definition of Bravery:

Bravery is arriving home late after a boy?s night out,
being confronted by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to ask:



"Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"


ouch....

There is a very fine line between bravery and stupidity

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work drink with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy middle-aged man entered.

He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her (as all men will).

Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."

Hilary, that's horrible - and not at all funny <_<

But an appropriate response to George's contribution, I think you have to agree.

If I was being totally fair and objective I would agree with you completely Hilary, however, as I am a man...............

Goodness, I do seem to have touched a raw nerve, don't I?

sick sick sick....

a man cleaning....

my god...

*barf*

No, not really Hilary - I'm just trying to prolong the exchange

Some people will do anything to boost their count!

Curses - I've been rumbled

Then here are some more to keep you going:

He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put it.
She said...You wear pants don't you.

He said....Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.
She said...Well, you succeeded.

He said....Shall we try swopping positions tonight?
She said...That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said....What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said...Turn sideways and look in the mirror

He said....Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said...I would but you're never there.

Oldies but goodies Hilary

A bit like me, then!

A bit like a lot of us on here!

or maybe arriving home at 7am after a boys night out,

and your wife asks "have you got anything to say ? "


and you say


" Yep, is breakfast ready ?"

Actually I suspect a definition of bravery is more like posting comments like this on a board run by a female!!!!!!!!

Female?

Hmmmmmmmm...

Anton's not female......

We all know HE'S incharge...... Really....

*cough*

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the f*** up."

teehee

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes
that she had her hair cut and dyed brown.

A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside, she
stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.

Admiring the cute wooly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I
can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?"

The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, "Sure!"

The blonde thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said,
"352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably,
totally amazed, and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end
of the deal. Take your pick of my flock."

The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked
the one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I
have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can
I have my dog back?"

lmao, nice one.

i mean
that's totally unacceptable george, how dare you insult blonde women!



*sniggers*

Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients and felt guilty

all day long.



No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.



The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a

while he?d hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said:



"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical

practitioner to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the

last. And you're single. Just let it go...?





But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to

reality,











Whispering:........



































Dave.............





















































.................you're a vet"

lmao!

Sometimes the truth hurts.

Tom had won a toy at a raffle.

He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked.
"Who never talks back to mother?
Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison:

"Okay, Dad, you get the toy."

That is not funny Roy - it's a reflection of real life

Ok -

A Sunday School teacher says to her children "We have been learning about how powerful Kings and Queens were in Bible times but there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what ?"

One child eagerly replies " Aces"

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert,
wandering aimlessly and close to death.


They are close to just lying down and waiting for the
inevitable, when all of a sudden...


"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell.
Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".


"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".


So, with renewed strength, they struggle off
up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance,
is a tree, just loaded with bacon.


There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture,
there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked
bacon... Every imaginable kind of cured pig meat
you can imagine!!


"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".


"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage?
We ees in the desert, don'forget".


"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a
meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no
meerage, ees a bacon tree".


And with that...Luis races towards the
tree. He gets to within 5 metres,
with Pepe following closely behind,
when all of a sudden, a machine gun
opens up, and Luis is cut down in
his tracks. It is clear he is mortally
wounded but,true friend that he is,
he manages to warn Pepe with his
dying breath.


"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"


"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"


"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree, ees a...... *cough cough*




ees a...... *cough cough cough*





ees a...... *cough cough cough cough*





ees a...... *cough cough cough cough cough*





ees a...... *cough cough splutter cough cough*





ees a...... *cough cough splutter cough splutter*
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
ees a... "Ham Bush".

Groan!

You certainly made an old joke very long George

if you ever get caught speeding just remember the Maltese approach.

An old Maltese lady gets pulled over for speeding in Toronto, Canada.


Old Maltese Lady: Is there a problem, Officer?
Police Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Old Maltese Lady: Oh, I see.
Police Officer: Can I see your license please?
Old Maltese Lady: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Police Officer: Don't have one?
Old Maltese Lady: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Police Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers
please.
Old Maltese Lady: I can't do that.
Police Officer: Why not?
Old Maltese Lady: I stole this car.
Police Officer: Stole it?
Old Maltese Lady: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Police Officer: You what?
Old Maltese Lady: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if
you want to see!

The Police Officer looks at the Maltese Lady and slowly backs away to
his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle
the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half
drawn gun.

Police Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Old Maltese Lady: Is there a problem sir?
Police Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.
Old Maltese Lady: Murdered the owner?
Police Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.
The Old Maltese Lady opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty
trunk.
Police Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Old Maltese Lady: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The Police officer is quite stunned.
Police Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a
driving license.
The Old Maltese Lady digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse
and hands it to the officer.
The Police officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Police Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you
didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered
and hacked up the owner.
Old Maltese Lady: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

A local business was looking for office help.

They put a sign in the window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type,
must be good with a computer and must
be bilingual.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window,
saw the sign and went inside.

He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then
walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager.

The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised,
to say the least. However, the dog looked determined,
so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog
jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you
have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and
proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out
the page and trotted over to the manager and
gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog,
"The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer.
The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with
various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet
and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded!

He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you
are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting
abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign
and put his paw on the part about being an Equal
Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that
you have to be bilingual."


The dog looked at him straight in the face and said....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"Meow."

@ Bucc's must be older than me cos I'd not heard it before

@Pam.... noted , I wonder if I'd get away with that one under the "ok I've not heard that one before...on yer way"

@George nice to end the day with a smile..all this paperwork I'm slogging through is so tedious. <_<

A kid goes to his dad and asks, "Dad, what are politics?" His dad replies, " Put it this way; I am the breadwinner of the family so I am capatilism. Your mom is the owner of the money so she is government. The government is the provider for the people so you are the people. Your baby brother will be the future, and the nanny is the working class. Now think about that."

So he went to bed. He was woken by his brother. The baby had pooped in his daiper. He went to tell his parents, but he only found his mom asleep in the bed. He didn't want to wake her, so he went to the nanny. The door was locked. He checked through a hole and saw the dad in bed with the nanny. He went back to bed. The next morning, he went to his dad and said, "Dad i know what you mean now."

"You do? Tell me."

"OK, while capatilism is sc**wing the working class, the government is sound asleep, while the people are watching the future being pooped on!!!"

One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

well me not being one to miss an opportunity.

Rather than Copy & Paste I've put a link to this thread in the OADS Jokes thread, and to reciprocate here's a link to the OADS Jokes thread to a joke that I think is worthy of this thread <_<

Advice for Teenagers

Reporting the last message for !!!!!!!!!SERIOUS ADVERTISING!!!!!!!!

Noooooo!!!

I'd call it back scratching

Hmmmmmm not sure what you are
scratching but its round the other side and a bit too low if you ask me.....

Hmmmm....

maybe it's because the Advice is from Bill GATES

aaw do i really have to leave starbucks????

i thought it would be fun to live as if i were in Friends.